To move on

I feel old, mature and aged with the amount of thinking I have done.
The past week has been tough but thankfully there was the closure that I very much needed. I dun hate him except those few days when he refused to give me the answers that I need, besides, hating someone will just make me a miserable person. I’m not used to miserable.

I got my answers about that girl, when it started, who she is, what she is, how she is, where she is and why? I have 2 sets. One side is lying. Not sure which, not gonna find out either. The more I probe, the more it hurts. He is still denying, till this point of time, claiming that my source was ranting bullshits. It does not matter anymore, even though I still think how much better it would be if there wasn’t a third party, having one makes everything – irrevocable. Perhaps that’s the way he wanted it. Anyhow I’m moving on. Have to.

Thinking back on how we started, I was an innocent and idealistic 19 years old and he at 24 was an enthusiastic Aussie undergrad. We courted for few months and eventually got together after 2 semesters. We were genuinely happy despite us being physically apart. We would send parcels, flowers and self made gifts while he was away, talked for hours after hours everyday. We talked about happy stuff, about our future, about his return back to Singapore for good. I was happy and could see that future we painted.

But somehow, things changed, as they always will. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself it didn’t, it still will and you still have to brave up to it.
Our relation did, without anyone of us wanting to say a word bout it. We allowed ill-feelings to buildup till one of us could no longer breathe and wanted out.
It is no body’s fault that our love dimmed. We did constantly remind each other that we still love, but perhaps the lacked of doing sweet wonderful nothing for each other resulted in what it is today. It’s not what I wanted but it’s just too late to do anything anymore.

Thoughts I shared with my friend earlier today:
“Unhappiness? prob not. I dun hate him anymore.
its just wrong timing for us both.
We have loved. Thats all that matters.
Now is time to move on.
I am disappointed that we will never be able to complete what we dreamt about together.
But its ok, disappointment is the best kind of emotion to have now, cos disappointments are usually short-lived.So I am sure, I will get over this disappointment soon”

Sad songs fit; happy songs are out of place.
My list will be playing happy, hopeful tunes soon.
It’s a matter of - how long is soon?

Did he ever truly love me? I will never know.
I know I did and I’m glad.

I really should move on..