Monday, October 31, 2005

To move on

I feel old, mature and aged with the amount of thinking I have done.
The past week has been tough but thankfully there was the closure that I very much needed. I dun hate him except those few days when he refused to give me the answers that I need, besides, hating someone will just make me a miserable person. I’m not used to miserable.

I got my answers about that girl, when it started, who she is, what she is, how she is, where she is and why? I have 2 sets. One side is lying. Not sure which, not gonna find out either. The more I probe, the more it hurts. He is still denying, till this point of time, claiming that my source was ranting bullshits. It does not matter anymore, even though I still think how much better it would be if there wasn’t a third party, having one makes everything – irrevocable. Perhaps that’s the way he wanted it. Anyhow I’m moving on. Have to.

Thinking back on how we started, I was an innocent and idealistic 19 years old and he at 24 was an enthusiastic Aussie undergrad. We courted for few months and eventually got together after 2 semesters. We were genuinely happy despite us being physically apart. We would send parcels, flowers and self made gifts while he was away, talked for hours after hours everyday. We talked about happy stuff, about our future, about his return back to Singapore for good. I was happy and could see that future we painted.

But somehow, things changed, as they always will. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself it didn’t, it still will and you still have to brave up to it.
Our relation did, without anyone of us wanting to say a word bout it. We allowed ill-feelings to buildup till one of us could no longer breathe and wanted out.
It is no body’s fault that our love dimmed. We did constantly remind each other that we still love, but perhaps the lacked of doing sweet wonderful nothing for each other resulted in what it is today. It’s not what I wanted but it’s just too late to do anything anymore.

Thoughts I shared with my friend earlier today:
“Unhappiness? prob not. I dun hate him anymore.
its just wrong timing for us both.
We have loved. Thats all that matters.
Now is time to move on.
I am disappointed that we will never be able to complete what we dreamt about together.
But its ok, disappointment is the best kind of emotion to have now, cos disappointments are usually short-lived.So I am sure, I will get over this disappointment soon”

Sad songs fit; happy songs are out of place.
My list will be playing happy, hopeful tunes soon.
It’s a matter of - how long is soon?

Did he ever truly love me? I will never know.
I know I did and I’m glad.

I really should move on..

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Perhaps i haven't

Its new. It hurts. It will be gone soon.
New phase. New chapter. New me will be soon.
I will be strong.

Wilson Philips sings:

I know there's pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I have found PEACE

I feel better, after two days of fluctuating moodswings.
I consoled myself as much as i could and realise, the situation is not really that bad? I can take it afterall. I am happier.
Thank god it only took me two days. Thank you too to my precious babes that spent time with me to make me have a clearer view of the whole issue.

I emailed alot today, long lengthy mails that i never thought i could write. I'm surprise i still have words left to blog. I probably used up every single verb and vocab i've ever known in my entire life, to draft those emails so filled with angst, frustations and unhappiness.

All is fine now, i have decided to brood over it no more and move on.

Work today was same as always - mundane.
So i ended up having loads of time to draft a two and a half page email, while at the same time reading an ebook entitled "Dairy of He".

This link was sent to me by Ching few months back and apparently, it was so interesting that Ber got addicted to it as well. SO out of boredom and with thousands of thoughts running thru my mind, i decided to read it, to rest my mind a bit.
I'm lazy to give a review about it but i must say its something that's definitely worth reading even if you dun really have time to read. I got Lily addicted to it too, she was SO ADDICTED that she refuse to work till she completes all the episodes - thinking that there are only 20 episodes to read.

Sorry babe, there are 260++ episodes at the moment, that means you have a long way more to go!! Jia you wor. Let me know when you have made it that far. :p

Sunday, October 16, 2005

;(

The tears have dried. But the pain still lingers.
Tomorrow still goes on.
Trust will have to learnt from scratch - all over again.
Foolishness never leaves the fool.
I am that Fool.

Friday, October 14, 2005

So very sick

I've been sick! Since Sat till now.

Already had 3 days of leave. And still sick..

Monday, October 10, 2005

For the ladies in my life

When Wendy mention on her blog that Rek left a message for everyone of us.
I hurriedly went to my email to check for mine. I couldn't find any and was honestly a tad upset that i could have been left out(we weren't close frens back in sec sch days) and kinda worried that i might have accidentally deleted her mail away.

Today while reading around, i found out i got a short and sweet message on Rek's blog for me, I wasn't missed out! *Grinz*

Here it is:
"Priscilla--We never had the opportunity to be good friends from before, but that is slowly changing. I admit I never bothered to like you or be your friend because I thought you were arrogant. But I am glad that we hang out now, because I now know for a fact that you are not what I thought you were. You are sweet and intelligent, Prissy..and I am still looking forward to knowing you and understanding you better. "

Dearest Rek,
Perhaps you felt i was arrogant coz i talk too little and talk to people selectively? I wanna say, i'm not arrogant, never was and never will be, especially not to you! Looking back, i was a painfully shy and low-esteemed girl during our sec school days, i never really spoke out loud or talked more than necessary and perhaps that could be why you thought i was proud? Anyway it really does not matter anymore what matters is that you no longer think of me this way.

I'm just thankful now, to fate for bringing us together in this short life-time of ours, for me to know more about you. I thought you were really fierce back in CCSS days but as we start meetin up once in a while, when we were already in tertiary ed, i constantly find my opinion of you changing, for the better.
You are funny and sOoo extremely sweet, something you did a few weeks ago is still deeply etched in me. This is briefly how it went:

Rek: Hi Pris, can i ask you a quest?
Pris: yup, shoot?
Rek: How are you?


Though it was just a normal message, the feeling at that moment was one that just fills my heart with so much warmth, i wanted so much to hug you then. keke.
Thanks Rek, that message really really made my day, so much.

A message to all my dearest girl pals:
Amber, Ching, Denyse, Irene, Jo ann, Lily, Mich, Peijia, Rekha, Wendy, Zizi
I'm ever so grateful to the great spirit above for bringin you babes into my life and mine into yours.
I'm optimistically looking forward to having many more years of fun times with you all, learning more about your likes, dislikes, appreciating you all for who you are and growing wise with each other.

I'm eagerly anticipating the future when you girls will start:
- gettin married and i can all be part of ur sister gang and tekan ur husband
- little families of your own and i will get to see how you look when you are pregnant, see how your baby looks like, who does the baby resembles and maybe even be godma to your kids?
- growing old and i can accompany you all to play mahjong or go on cruises or just relax around at each others place, simply chatting and gossiping till our time in this world is over?(not really eager on the growing old part but it will happen eventually)

haha.. so surreal and so nice. :)
this is an ideal life story of mine.
and i sincerely hope all of you will appear in every chapters of my life till i aged and till my time is up.

Take care babes, I love you all!

Wedding Bliss

Just back from CEPE's wedding dinner. Extremely exhausted. Now waiting for my hair to dry, hence decided to blog a little while waiting.

I am feeling sick! I can't breathe and my throat is killing me. Think tomorrow have to take MC liao, out of de many MC's i took before this is the first time i'm actually genuinely sick. haha.

About the wedding, Marker was one of the brothers and seems like he had loads of fun, despite him being sick as well.
The wedding was held at Raffles hotel and the food sucks. I was told that each table costs 1k, i can't help but feel that the dishes was just atrociously overpriced, what we ate was what you can find during the 7th month ghost festival kind. In fact i think maybe the 7th month kind also might serve even better food than them.
So what if its Raffles. Shame on you Raffles Hotel! *bleahh* Lousy!

Took a few pictures on my hairstyle. I styled it differently tonite as i wanted a more elegant look instead of my usual messy-spunky-cool-chic look.
I think failed miserably in achieving the EREGANT LOOK ah, my styling was just comb all my hair to the front and have a parting. Looks like a pretty pathetic attempt *sighz*.

Me with marker! Check out my messy hair and his rooster hairstyle

I think cutting my hair kinda shocked everyone. And everyone is associating me to celebrities with short hair.
Current count of association so far is 3; Most say i look like Joanne Peh, some say i look like Felicia Chin and one said i look like Candy Lo.
Hmmm, flattering in some ways Yes but i really would prefer people just stick to saying i had a nice haircut.

Unsure why i'm so anal today, usually when pple say i look like so and so, i would just take it as a compliment but today i got quite frustrated when one of the lady at the dinner said that to me. I think must be her way of saying it to me that got me so frustrated.

Anyway hair dry liao. GO bed lo, hope i'll feel better tomolo morning.

Good night world!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Fun + Booze week

It has been a while since i stayed home on a Sunday afternoon.
I'm enjoying every single moment of it.
Everything is so quiet, so calm and so peaceful with only the tranquilizing drone of the fan and happy chirping of birds. I'm entirely basking in this soothing and therapeutic cloudy afternoon. Ahhh.. so nice!
I'm reluctant even, to play songs on mp3 list, for fear of spoiling the serenity of this wonderful afternoon.

This week shall be officially declared Booze week.

Been drinking hell of a lot this week. As much as it is great fun, i probably should not consider this kind of fun as long term solution for the spice-up-pris-life campaign. Reasons being drinking is bad for health, being a passive smoker is not exactly very fun and also the bloody smoke makes my eyes tear!
Sad truth is, in such places, passive smoking is definitely unavoidable. I'm eagerly anticipating the law that bans smoking in clubs/pubs/discos to kick start. When will it start!!! When, when, when!!

Last night, i went for drinking and dancing at Devils Bar with dear Lily and Ceyu and tons of other Ceyu's fren (June, Janson, Jonathan and 2 others). Wah they super pro, ordered a whole bottle of martell and finish it up in like 3 hours? And they kept ordering more and more drinks.
Ceyu's friends were really nice and fun and quite lousy at playing 5-10's i must say, haha. They kept losing to Lily and me! LOSERS! kekeke

We got picked up by 2 groups of guys last nite. Not bad sial. haha, still have it after not clubbing for so long. Other than the shot of ego-boost they gave. I suppose thats the first and last time i will ever hear from them again. I've never been keen on getting close with friends known through clubbing, especially those guys who come up to know you. My believe is, if they have the guts to come up to you this once, they will have the same guts to go know others when u aren't around. So ideally for me, no clubbing guys will be my partner for life.

Another thing i noticed last night was my threshold of alcohol seemed to have increase.
I was constantly drinking but at the end of the party i didn't feel a wee bit of the puking senstation. Hurry to that! Hehehe. I must admit though, i was super duper high after everything and a great way to verify is by the way i talk.
I was talking at the top of my voice(shouting) even though the the person i'm talkin to is standing right beside me, hahaha.. so funny, I guess this explains why my voice is so hoarse now.

Before i end the final post for this week, just wanna thanks all those involve for making this week a super happening one for me! (Lily, ber, ching, wendy, jia, ceyu)

Love ya guys!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

New Skin

Yay! After changing my hair, i've decided to change my blogskin too and i've also added a new Wish List column to the space, for me to keep track of what i wanna get so that i will not overspend (hopefully).

Its Saturday! Usually i dunch even touch a computer on Saturdays but well, today is an exception for some lousy reasons caused by A LOUSY someone. I won't go into that to upset myself anymore.

After using the default hotmail web account for close to 5 years and constantly wondering and cursing why can't Msn allow sorting of the incoming mails by date? I realise it was there along! All i had to do was to simply click and the word "Date" and everything will be sorted accordingly.
I am truly amazed at the duration it took me to find out that one simple function. haha 5 yrs of close to everyday usage and i never found out about it till now! Big Joke ah, ahahahah.

Went to Chingy's 21st birthday party at Tattoo Pub last nite. It was nice with free flow drinks complimentary by Ching. We had loads of fun as usual and loads of pictures were snapped too. So instead of elaborating using words, i shall let the pictures speak for itself. Click here to see them!
and here for more.

Before ending this post, i would like to make known to the world that I LOVE MY NEW LAPPIE TO BITS! It is the reason why i'm bloggin more often and also why i have a new cool blue blogskin.

p.s Thanks Ching for inviting me to the party! I had fun!

Monday, October 03, 2005

My weekend

This post was suppose to be posted up on MONDAY! it somehow dragged till today which is WED! how time flies!

******************
I’m trying out this new or probably-have-been-around function of blogger that allows me to type, and publish my post direct from Microsoft word. Sounds cool ah! Haha.
I’m so so tired today! I’m suffering from Monday blues plus the sleeping late on Sunday night.

A rundown on my weekend, which miraculously was pretty fruitful

Friday

Took half day off work to go cut hair! I cut it – SHORT! I dyed my hair too, so it’s a cut and dye for $129 bucks. EXPENSIVE SIAL but I’m happy, I love my new style, hehehehe… so narcissistic..

I look FRESH? That’s the expression that everyone used to describe my new locks? bangs? Cut? (What’s the term for short hair anyway!?)
Following the hair cut, I met up with Marker to have dinner with his family ah Hua Ting Restaurant at Orchard Hotel (we were suppose to have sashimi buffet!!!). It was a freaking expensive dinner which left me with a half filled stomach at the end of it but since I’m not the one paying, I cannot complain much, can I? :P but then again, I must say the Peking Duck was very very yummy *droolz*

After dinner, I went to Kbox for short singing sessions with long-time-no-see friends from my younger day’s part-time job. It was superbly fun and somehow it made me miss the Nokia gang a lot! We used to do that too, close to every weekend! But now that most of us are working, making time is always the biggest and most troublesome affair. Haiz…

If you guys see this – I miss ya all, Lets meet up soon

Saturday
Went to get my lappie at where else but Sim Lim Square with technician Mark! Finally! Got a HP laptop with a pretty basic configuration that I hope will serve me well for many years and hopefully serve me adequately if I ever get to study next year. Physically, it does not really appeal but specifications wise I guess it’s the most value-for-money lappie one can get. See what I mean when I say I’m the worse kind of shopaholic, my shopping list covers such a wide range – from makeup to clothes to gadgets!?

The lappie is not officially mine yet, Mark paid for it and I will have to pay it back in installments with a $149 subsidy, not fantastic but still better than nothing BUT of coz the more the merrier rite? * SUPER BIG HINT*

After getting the laptop and slacking for the rest of the afternoon, we went out with his daddy to an Italian restuarant called Naxos located around China Sq.

Would wanna write more but i'm super shack now. More work tomolo! Nite peeps!

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Someone once commented that i was too idealistic. I couldn't agree more. I used to feel that statement was a compliment.. Now it is not a word i would like to be associated with