A usual working day

Today is another sian (boring) working day.

I’m thrown with the task of coming up with proposals AGAIN! I thought this was a job supposedly done by SENIOR MANAGEMENT? Why do I keep being dumped with such responsibilities when I feel like I still know the minimal things in this industry?
I feel good having such opportunities but yet I feel handicapped. I have ideas swimming in my head but then I do not know the feasibility or are they too far-fetched? I dunch know and I dun wanna appear stupid or cranky in front of my bosses when i finally do preach the ideas to them.
It’s do or die. So I will do. No choice - rules of life.

Just ended half an hour of game-cube gaming with my colleague Edmund, using the excuse "trying if it works" =P.
Played a fighting game with Mario, Pikachu and Ice Climber as the main characters and they are suppose to fight with each other by slapping the opponent out of the screen Very very cute.

Now is end work hour, weather outside is gloomy. From my office I can see - central Singapore looks like its raining. haha.

I have new gadget to play with! The Microsoft Dopod – it has built in 3G, Bluetooth, wi-fi and many others features that one way or another has been missing in the current PDA’S. The ONE AND ONLY bao ka liao PDA. Just laid my hands on it this afternoon and it will be mine for the following few weeks - only. huhuhu, simply love my job :p

Before I end, I think I will be changing template again. I screwed up my current one, see the “Friends Ranting” it’s not aligned! Pissed off… my html skills is not that power afterall.
Any kind souls who can help me would be greatly appreciated.

Life is as such...

In my short 21 years of living on this beautiful place called earth. I’ve been disappointed many times but seldom will I be disappointed to the point where I get disgusted.

So far there is only one. And now there is another…
Sadly that recent one was a person I was with for past 2 years.
My latest Sherlock Holmes stint uncovered more truth than I wished for and finally finally I know I’m at the end of this journey. I feel relieved.

I am disgusted, bewildered and shell shocked. It seemed, overnight, he became the devil’s advocate and it scares the hell out of me.
That being said - if I had the chance to redo everything again, I would STILL choose the same path I took to find out the entire truth.

I feel so drained, so tired and very frightened.
I dated a schemer, who handles things in ways so appalling, I feel nauseous when I reflect upon it. The whole truth, the complete situation, the entire picture is clearly embossed in my head. It frightens me to know, he is a person of such. I am in denial to believe that he is that way.
I wished many times I never had to see this, in fact I never knew he had such a sordid side. I stare at our pictures, in place of fond memories, I feel revolted.

I feel fine, now that I have the whole picture.
Am I hurt? Not so, in fact I feel it is none at all. It sounds artificial but I really do feel at peace.
Knowing he has someone else doesn’t pain me. I feel neutral. In fact I am bemused at how unaffected I am. I am unsure why but a part of me; sincerely wish that he and she would turn out well.
It sounds weird and incoherent but I really do wish him to be happier.

I’m surprised at my feelings. Am I that gracious? I wonder… Perhaps it’s the jazz music, or it could be the spirit of Christmas, or just the love of friends which makes this world less bleak.

When I’m upset - I cry, whine and sob; when I’m cool and composed – I doubt myself on my own words and graciousness. Live is such – so full of contradictions.

Perhaps the anger might arise again - I really won’t know. But I’m happier today..

Where is the love?

Its friday today! I've been slacking ever since morning...

I have no mood to work...
I went for a 2 hour break...
I read every single person blog in my list...
I played a game of scrabble in games.com...
I have the emptiest msn list today...
I have no one to chat with me...
I am counting down to salsa class...
I bought a pair of heels during lunch in preparation for salsa...
I walked to Maxwell (which is freaking far by the way) in my new shoes...
I walked back from Maxwell (which is freaking far too) in my new shoes...
I have work to do but it is FRIDAY!!

I love christmas as i always did... It has been 4 years since i celebrated Christmas as a SINGLE - but i'm not worrying cause erm...I HAVE FRIENDS that loves me!

I have nothing interesting to say or share.. I am just really bored.

Life never fails to amaze me.
I marvel at the happenings everyday, every hour, every minute..
Life is too wonderful to be sad. Life is too short to be sitting down here to blog. But it is the best i can do right now. I am very impress with blogs that are long and descriptive.. I wish i could write like them, describing every single moment, detail and thought of my day in words. Those are definitely 100% more interesting to read compared to mine..

I wish i was more interestingly descriptive but i am absent-minded... I can think about a million and one thing this moment and forget about it totally in about 20 mins or so... so when i start a blog with a topic in mind, i would have forgotten what it is that i wanted to share by the time i'm at the 2nd paragraph...
I am lazy too - My blog often seem to lack opinions and viewpoints but if you know me enough, you will realise that I am too opiniated for my own good.
I wanna share wif all that i am a thinker and i ponder in depth about issues, i laze on my bed and think and try to find solutions to solve or just ways to make myself feel better. But the thing is often, before i find my answers - i fall asleep.

I am according to someone.. too bo chup..
I am more bo chup than ever now...
I am really tired... In the past weeks...
I have learnt to stop myself from crying.
I have learnt to stop myself from loving (it is a really painful process).
I am not ready to love again.
I am now trying to move away from the source of pain. But is it what i want?

Do we all become enemies when a relationship sour, must we?
Do we become strangers again when we are no longer a couple?
Is moving and hiding away really the best solution and best way for one to move on?
Why is it that 2 person can fall in love and not maintain that love?
Why is it that when someone wants you bad enough, they will do everything to get you and when they have you they want someone else?

Is the world really that evil? Or am i just too idealistic for the world.

Me

Before i end my night..

I went to KL without a single ringgit in my wallet - i survived and made it back alive...Darn proud!

Good night world...

KL last hour.

Day 3 in KL.
Slept at about 3 yesterday and woke up darn early today. Earliest among all my colleagues. Nothing to do at the moment, they are all still asleep thus decided to blog a little.

I had a nightmare, a recurring one, about ex-marker.
The scenes were always different but the content was the same as last. It felt real, in it i was calm one moment, screaming and shouting the next and before i know it i was awake. I was startled to wake up to a dark calming silence after the exhuasting shouting in the dream and for that split second i forgot i was in Malaysia.
I wonder how did that dream come about and why does it still comes? i thought i moved on well and am happier but why does my sub-concious still harbour those ill-feelings and questions which i already gave up finding an answer to? I feel lost and afraid...
Perhaps i will never know or perhaps time and age will give me those answers.

I'll be back in lovely Singapore later today. Past 3 days was eventful and enriching. I'm here for both leisure and work. Work was to attend the 'Ericsson Developer Seminar'. As with all seminar there were loads of dry talks on Ericsson plans and direction and how developers can work their products to align themselves with Ericsson bla bla bla bla bla~~. Why we were here is coz we provide the security solution for content owners to protect their contents, to protect their hardwork and ensure that they get to keep what they earn and not lose their precious creative creation to piracy etc etc. Boring stuff to read but interesting stuff to me! :p
I'm loving my job more and future seems promising too. Hopefully.

Anyway I'm shacked up at a darn beautiful resort(advertise for them a'lil its called Cyberview Lodge Resort and Spa) which is an hour drive away from the city central (like travelling from Changi to JB but we are still in KL) - they have relatively nicer air, beautiful pool and a balinese rustic theme. Its really fantastic with huge rooms! Will post pictures of this wonderful place when i get back.

Monday yet again...

Still at home now.. Late for work... With a reasonable valid excuse! keke man i love life..

A song that reflects my thoughts:

Light In Your Eyes Lyrics
by Blessid Union Of Souls

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye
All our "I love you's" were just not enough to survive
Something your eyes never told me
But it's only now too plain to see
Brilliant disguise when you hold me
And I'm free
I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude
Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use
But how could I have known girl
It was time and not space you would need
Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know
But would you believe
There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
There's a place in your heart where I used to be
Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me
Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you
Constant reminder of all the things you get used to
Is there a chance in hell or heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall
But after all
There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
And a song in the words that you spoke to me
Was I wrong to believe in your melody
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me
Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away
Fading away
It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been
Did you get my letter I wrote you, but I did not send
I tried to call your old number
But the voice that I heard on the phone
I recognized but she told me the number was wrong
There's a light in my eyes but it's too bright to see
And a pain in my heart where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

Am I Happier? Happier I am

Something a friend shared lightened my heart in entirety.

He said:
“Whether we end up together or not we both will end up with someone we truly love eventually, we both will be happy. Even if we are together again we will be happy still and if that is the way planned for us, why feel sad now?”

It’s a very positive statement which if I had heard it sooner, I would be less of a wreck.

I’m happiest today, for a long while.
Haven’t blogged for a long while too.
I’ve been busy living life to the fullest despite struggling with the sadness and pain I feel deep within.

I’m happier today, I really do feel so.

Been watching every movie that is now showing – Prime, Harry Potter and even Emily Rose (Yes... I know I’ve said you can kill me before I’ll watch but it’s not scary after all ;p).
Singlehood means i can watch movie with anyone without guilt and i no longer have to be disappointed by promises or delays.

Time to time, I still get confuse and ask questions on why it happened. But i brood over it less.

I question, am I happier this way. Perhaps I am; I’ve just yet to realize it. Perhaps this is the life that is destined for me at 21 – to make friends, enjoy their company and be around for them in happiness and sadness. Now i have all the time to do just that.

The silver lining behind the dark clouds - I found friends that care so much it warms my battered soul. Thank you babes and dudes for sharing, for consoling, for comforting and for being around. I love you all! *hugz*