Life is as such...

In my short 21 years of living on this beautiful place called earth. I’ve been disappointed many times but seldom will I be disappointed to the point where I get disgusted.

So far there is only one. And now there is another…
Sadly that recent one was a person I was with for past 2 years.
My latest Sherlock Holmes stint uncovered more truth than I wished for and finally finally I know I’m at the end of this journey. I feel relieved.

I am disgusted, bewildered and shell shocked. It seemed, overnight, he became the devil’s advocate and it scares the hell out of me.
That being said - if I had the chance to redo everything again, I would STILL choose the same path I took to find out the entire truth.

I feel so drained, so tired and very frightened.
I dated a schemer, who handles things in ways so appalling, I feel nauseous when I reflect upon it. The whole truth, the complete situation, the entire picture is clearly embossed in my head. It frightens me to know, he is a person of such. I am in denial to believe that he is that way.
I wished many times I never had to see this, in fact I never knew he had such a sordid side. I stare at our pictures, in place of fond memories, I feel revolted.

I feel fine, now that I have the whole picture.
Am I hurt? Not so, in fact I feel it is none at all. It sounds artificial but I really do feel at peace.
Knowing he has someone else doesn’t pain me. I feel neutral. In fact I am bemused at how unaffected I am. I am unsure why but a part of me; sincerely wish that he and she would turn out well.
It sounds weird and incoherent but I really do wish him to be happier.

I’m surprised at my feelings. Am I that gracious? I wonder… Perhaps it’s the jazz music, or it could be the spirit of Christmas, or just the love of friends which makes this world less bleak.

When I’m upset - I cry, whine and sob; when I’m cool and composed – I doubt myself on my own words and graciousness. Live is such – so full of contradictions.

Perhaps the anger might arise again - I really won’t know. But I’m happier today..